Eve Rounds

question answered – i

“Looking back and at the completion of 22 shots, would you have done anything differently?”

this is probably the most common inquiry.  a solid question to begin with.

photo-42

i am very proud of the of the final product. i am genuinely touched by the responses i’ve received thus far. i am over the fucking moon for every soul surrounding this endeavor. i would not have swapped a single collaborator for another collaborator. every artist ended up in exactly the right role at exactly the right stage of the process. this was part instinct, part luck, part scheduling and i’d like to believe part stars.

i do wish i would have / could have let go more. this relates mostly to the reality shots but to some elements of a few conceptual themes. i touched on this a bit in my confessional of rotation 1. i felt (and still feel) uncomfortable voicing my discomfort. but i was already entrusting my collaborators with my vision and my audience with the most significant “coming out” of my life. what could possibly  cause me to decelerate after submerging myself in a creative abyss?…

acting and improvising, i’ve often played characters that resemble me. as much as 90% me. (that’s a lot. and a tad – accidentally – narcissistic.) but because of the words that i memorize, because i’m using a name that’s not my own, there’s enough of a barrier to completely expose myself. a fascinating and nifty contradiction. this  paradox of saran wrap protects all of my parts. it acts as a shield from superficial cuts, while keeping my mind in its rightful place. it makes me feel safe enough to get naked. 

22 shots was all me all the time. no lines no semi egos. if ever i was playing a character, i was playing EVE at an earlier stage of her diagnosis. or EVE at a later stage – a place of acceptance i hope to reach in the very near future. but nothing about MS makes me feel safe. however, i am enough to get naked.

so i’m now left to wonder if that slight hesitation and internal judgement prevented me from affecting people at an even deeper level, simultaneously impeding my objective of utter acceptance. yes, people continue to throw themselves into the experience of  22 shots, but did i shortchange them by not completely going broke? could i have invested more or in different stocks?

ultimately, i don’t think so. i was exactly – present – .  i leapt in every direction and at every moment that honesty demanded. sure, the intent of the project morphed throughout its process, but i hiked the dimensions of all of my truths. i’m letting go of anything else.

 

Twins

It isn’t easy being a twin.   Others considered us as one two-part person,  while our parents saw,  in our conspiring, four or more.  

should.

dark morning darkness woke up crying i now embrace the word should. it’s a simple truth. my dad should be with me on my   

27 days ago

i lost you so suddenly too suddenly your blue eyes in a constant state of near tear because you loved life giving us so much

haiku ish

in this direction waves break to the right of me reversing my own current

.no . title .. here …

your ……. face against the bruised air between my quiet mind and the raging storm …. panic .. desire …….. pain and wishful logic slowly …