Category Archives: 22 shots

question answered – i

“Looking back and at the completion of 22 shots, would you have done anything differently?”

this is probably the most common inquiry.  a solid question to begin with.

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i am very proud of the of the final product. i am genuinely touched by the responses i’ve received thus far. i am over the fucking moon for every soul surrounding this endeavor. i would not have swapped a single collaborator for another collaborator. every artist ended up in exactly the right role at exactly the right stage of the process. this was part instinct, part luck, part scheduling and i’d like to believe part stars.

i do wish i would have / could have let go more. this relates mostly to the reality shots but to some elements of a few conceptual themes. i touched on this a bit in my confessional of rotation 1. i felt (and still feel) uncomfortable voicing my discomfort. but i was already entrusting my collaborators with my vision and my audience with the most significant “coming out” of my life. what could possibly  cause me to decelerate after submerging myself in a creative abyss?…

acting and improvising, i’ve often played characters that resemble me. as much as 90% me. (that’s a lot. and a tad – accidentally – narcissistic.) but because of the words that i memorize, because i’m using a name that’s not my own, there’s enough of a barrier to completely expose myself. a fascinating and nifty contradiction. this  paradox of saran wrap protects all of my parts. it acts as a shield from superficial cuts, while keeping my mind in its rightful place. it makes me feel safe enough to get naked. 

22 shots was all me all the time. no lines no semi egos. if ever i was playing a character, i was playing EVE at an earlier stage of her diagnosis. or EVE at a later stage – a place of acceptance i hope to reach in the very near future. but nothing about MS makes me feel safe. however, i am enough to get naked.

so i’m now left to wonder if that slight hesitation and internal judgement prevented me from affecting people at an even deeper level, simultaneously impeding my objective of utter acceptance. yes, people continue to throw themselves into the experience of  22 shots, but did i shortchange them by not completely going broke? could i have invested more or in different stocks?

ultimately, i don’t think so. i was exactly – present – .  i leapt in every direction and at every moment that honesty demanded. sure, the intent of the project morphed throughout its process, but i hiked the dimensions of all of my truths. i’m letting go of anything else.

 

22 questions – special feature

interlude.

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during the 6 week shooting of 22 shots, i was interviewed 3 separate times. most of the questions centered around MS and the process of the video series. however, i was also challenged with ridiculous riddles and forced to recall memories from my childhood.

while these interviews are being edited together to create the special feature, 22 questions, why not answer even more questions?! i’ll answer them right here.

leave a comment? here.

email me. facebook me. tweet me.

i’ll answer anything that doesn’t betray the privacy of those i love.

what do you want to know?…

 

22 shots – begins & ends

1.

i am hopeful. always. i am grateful. always. the fear is present. always.

for one third of any given day i am distraught and enraged. for another third of that very same day i am rather chipper. for the final third, i find myself on the outskirts of both ends.

this triptych existence has become the norm for me. and unfortunately, the norm still hurts. it drags, pushes, drowns, and pokes fun. i can sprint fairly fast, my heart pumping in sync with my own optimistic footsteps. suddenly a familiar and uninvited competitor runs alongside me. the hot the blind the numb. i’m forced to slow my pace and cool down. such is MS life.

i was pretty fucking stupid to think that completing 22 shots would cure my paranoia. my insomnia. my depressive states.  because it didn’t. what it did do, was harness my fear and catapult my anger into something creatively productive. something i could recognize. something i have always needed in my life. creation.

what began as a completely narcissistic approach to art and a sort of amateur psychotherapy, has turned into something.

and as an homage to the organic nature of the 22 shots process, i begin to write…