love

what did falling in love

feel like

to you

actual falling

a new winter sweater

a blood flutter

did you question its science

or

were you just grateful to be wanted

what about

the difference between

the second time

and the first

actual falling

a warm sleeping bag

a blood flutter

what had you learned

or

did you blame age and circumstance

trust

truth

yourself

where did you find

the courage

for the second

the last

trust

truth

yourself

at the end

know

that your last

love loved you

in ways only 47 years can prove

noise

sometimes

the wind the waves

muffle and drown my memories

sometimes

the wind the waves

magnify and amplify

the sound of your voice and clearing of your throat

your graceful hobble into a room full of us

sometimes i crave an interlude from this chasmic sorrow

sometimes i am incensed by the muted reflections

you were a fairly loud man

echoing off of everything

oh universe

give me just a few more seconds (no minutes no lifetimes)

of his noise

IMG_0178

 

 

the theatre

this is 

a silent film

flickering 

catching 

starting over

emptiness surrounding

such a blinding contrast ahead of us

shared stories 

captured images

disconnected

nonsensical

we replay our favorite scenes

we replay our swift regrets

our future now heavy with vacancy. 

Twins

It isn’t easy

being a twin.

 

Others considered us

as one two-part person, 

while our parents saw, 

in our conspiring,

four or more.

 

Born of one egg,

we yearned to be neither

a one nor a four so we fought

them and each other

to each be ourselves.

 

Even many years later as we began

the trip south to be with our father

we argued about which route to take, 

where and when to break,

resigned to bicker all the way.

 

Pop, shriveled to half his former self

yet with unaltered mind,

alert, interested, uncomplaining.

We twins forgot our petty dueling

to measure lifelong memories in one last week with him.

 

At week’s end, he painfully pulled himself up

to wave a final goodbye from the door.

In the car, my brother, annoyed somehow,

started it up again.

 

I looked at my father

as if to say, “here we go again.”

Stooped, bright eyed

his knowing smile replied,

“it isn’t easy

being a twin.”

 

tony rounds   Oct. 2009

IMG_4555

 

should.

dark morning darkness

woke up crying

i now embrace the word

should.

it’s a simple truth.

my dad should be with me on my             wedding day

escorting my mom and i

trusting my choice and chosen

raising his tumbler full of bubbly

making jokes

a few landing but most

drifting

which of course makes them funny

swaying clumsily to the song that would have made him cry

hugging kissing me goodnight

seeing him the next day

should

fucking should.

IMG_2422

27 days ago

i lost you
so suddenly too suddenly
your blue eyes in a constant state of near tear
because you loved
life
giving
us
so much too much
to contain your emotions
and why would you
you’d seen it all
you’d done it all
you’d had it all
your ever expanding self awareness
our circular acceptance and evolution
present
intentional
real
i love you

this hurts
my fingers shake
my breath chokes me
forever proud that you are my dad

IMG_1945 2  IMG_1771

crying on the phone with casey a bcbs rep

accessing my vision, mobility and life saving drug is a greater challenge than the MS itself.

ONE .5mg pill / day

forever

or until

it is no longer effective

meaning

i’ve had a relapse.

CRY

gilenya has been my very high maintenance friend since the end of 22shots. with a 65% hope of preventing further brain body damage “gia” currently costs over 90 THOUSAND DOLLARS  a year. according to my speciality pharmacy alliancewalgreensprimerx – whatever the fuck they call themselves now.

5 YEARS … CALL HOLD FAX CALL CALL CALL CALL HOLD HOLD TRACK CALL HOLD HOLD HOLD HOLD TRANSFER HOLD CALL FAX SIGN WAIVE PRIVACY FAX CALL HOLD HOLD HOLD GIVEUP CALL CALL SUBMIT CALL CALL HOLD HOLD HOLD HOLD HOLD HOLD HOLD HOLD CRY

i pay for health insurance. i eat obnoxiously healthy. i runbikeclimbtrain danceatweddings. and still                                                                                                                                                                            CRY

.no . title .. here …

your
……. face
against the bruised air
between my quiet mind
and the raging
storm
…. panic
.. desire
…….. pain
and wishful logic
slowly … then …
more rapidly..
pursuing its decay
into the ground
where i …………………………….. wait
heavy in my heels
.